Yes, I do realize that I just referenced two totally different tales. Paul Bunyan is the lumberjack with the axe and the blue cow, "shiver me timbers" comes from Long John Silver (although was attributed to pirate stories as early as 1835). Hopefully, you get the double entendre. We set? Good!
Paul........... (shakes head out of stupor) PAUL! Yes, Paul.
In order to picture Paul, I'm going to show two photos. If you could overlay the tattoos and hair of the anonymous male over Mark Wahlberg, add a little scruff, and pack on about another 10-15 lbs of muscle, we'll be set:
I mean, yum, right? It's the kind of guy that I'd never go for in the bar (Mark Wahlberg + more muscle, to clarify, as I definitely love a good sleeve... or two), but I surely didn't mind the view. Paul is the kind of guy that makes a Hanes T-Shirt look as good as a tailored suit.
Paul was actually in the hotel room before I got there. As a trusty regular, Mark apparently has him host parties sometimes, and let's him sleep in the room after the party's conclusion if he needs to sober up before going home. Which, he almost always does. In fact, as I introduce myself (accidentally my real self... I need to get better at remembering that I'm Amanda) and apologize for arriving after him, he says: "Hey, no worries. I've been here for a while. See, if it's a Saturday and I don't get here early, I end up drinking too much by 9 o'clock to drive myself to the parties." And with that, he pops the tab on another beer. "Want one?" I decline.
So, I set to changing my rainboots into python platform pumps, switching out regular light bulbs for red ones, setting up the snacks and mixers that I brought along. (This time, we will be prepared.) All the while I listen to the banter between the boys.
"So, it's going to be a big party tonight?"
"Oh yeah," Mark smiles, "It's gonna be huge. I've got a lot of couples coming, a couple single guys. Derek is going to be here tonight."
"Really? Ah man I love that guy." As I found out, Derek and Paul get along splendidly. They have the luck of being the most attractive men in the room at just about any party that Mark throws, and so the bouncing back and forth of ladies is not that uncommon.
"Yeah, do you remember that one time? The tall skinny Asian hostess? He was all, 'You a sub?' and she was all, 'Yes,' and then BAM!!! She's on his dick like it's her job. She left me to host the whole party by myself! Fucking crazy!" Mark looks at me, "I'm going to need to you stay professional tonight." (Oh, yes sir, of course!)
"Any girls?" Valid question fielded by Paul, in my opinion, seeing as some couples are territorial.
"Ummm... yeah. I know we got one chick, Alicia. Then this other chick Lily might be coming too." Mark's voice makes me wonder if it's a stretch."Hey! How's your girlfriend doing?"
"She's good." I'm guessing he caught my double-take, as he then turned to me and said, "See, my girlfriend used to come to these things, but it's really not her scene. So, now she just let's me go on Saturday nights. What I really need is a Saturday night girlfriend. It would be a hell of a lot cheaper."
The boys kept their blah, blah, who will be here? - blah - it's all about chemistry - blah - Daddy W's girlfriend is really hot - blah - Amanda, remember to be a professional, but if things are slow, feel free to do something provocative. (I'll do a post about my personal feelings during the party. There was one point in time in which I was quite unsettled by one of Mark's suggestions.)
Finally, the party gets started, and I quickly realize that Paul is quite a little star in his own right. Particularly due to his variety of involvements. I saw him with a couple 1, 2, 3... 5 different ways (all including the girl, but he didn't seem perturbed by the proximity of the boyfriend's genitals either - more power to him). For the majority of the time, he flowed easily from one position to the other. However, at one point Paul and the Boyfriend were attempting to do double penetration, which made me giggle, as it is quite possibly the most ungainly cumbersome position I have ever witnessed. From what I can tell, you either have to get the two guys moving in concert (highly difficult), or you have to get the girl to do all the work while the guys are stationary. In this situation, however, the girl was drunk. Very drunk. So what they ended up with was this rabbit-like see-saw. Given the awkwardness, that was dropped fairly quickly.
No worries for Paul though, because every time I thought I knew where he was, I'd look up and see him elsewhere. On the bed, on the couch, on his knees on the floor, back to the bed, and then cracking open another beer. Before I knew it, he was putting on his shirt and shoes and giving Derek a high-five. "Where are you going?" I asked, only slightly anxious at his departure.
"Carlos over there has a room, and wants me to do his girlfriend. I'll be back in like... eh... an hour?"
I'm not going to lie, the hour went very slowly for yours truly. Although Derek was entertaining from a distance, Paul had made a habit of coming to talk to me during all of his beer breaks. We talked about his previous job as a massage therapist, how things were going with his current girlfriend, his most recent romp on the bed, and the like. He gave an intense description of his favorite part of hooking up with a girl - eating her out. And, as the night went on, he moved on to a topic of unending entertainment for me, which was whether or not we were going to hook up.
"What are your nipples like?"
"What?!" Insert shocked/playful face. "I'd be super surprised if one of my friends hadn't just asked me that the other day. Why are you all so interested?"
"I just want to know. I bet yours are like silver dollars, and practically clear." He had that little smirk like he had just uncovered something.(Paul's random friend in the background: "I think they're small and brown!")
"False." Take that, Paul."The both of you."
"Well then, lemme see them."
"No! In case you couldn't tell, I'm working here." (Teeheehee, wink, playful shove.)
"Alright, after." That's when I got the puppy dog eyes. "Will you stay after the party with me?"
"Nope. Can't. I have a rental car that charges by the hour, and I've got to get it back by 4am." This is absolutely true, although most people don't start their car reservations in the middle of the night, so grabbing a couple extra hours wouldn't have been too hard to do.
"What happens if you don't bring it back?"
"I get charged a late fee." I remember hearing something awful about the late fee, but the truth of the matter is that my legs were bruised from a recent stint of pole dancing classes, and I had showed up at this party with no below-the-belt preparation. My bra was cute, for sure, since you could see it through my top, but the rest of me was not at the standard that I generally employ. (This was mostly on purpose, but also because I honestly did not think there would be anyone attractive at these parties.)
"Problem solved, I'll pay the late fee."
"Great! Now I'm a prostitute. No. We'll just have to do it some other time." (Tilted head with upturned eyes and side smile... I would say it's my signature move, except that I look hideous when I actually try to do it. Paul had actually gotten me seriously teasing.)
Anyway, this conversation was sorely missed while he was gone, and so his return brought quite a lift to my spirits. He reappeared sans couple with a big grin on his face.
"She let me cum in her mouth!!!!!!!!" It was like Christmas Day for little Paulie.
According to Paul, it had been quite a splendid hour. Carlos just sat back and watched while Paul had his way with his very attractive Brazilian girlfriend. His only interaction was to tell Paul where he wanted him to put it and to do her harder.
So, I did what any sex party hostess would do, I gave him a high five and asked for all the details. While Derek scrambled to call Carlos and head up to the room, Paul and I chit-chatted about whether or not she was a good lay.
Shortly after his return, the party slowed down to it's closing. Derek, Tim (Tiny Tim), Paul, and I reviewed our night by the bar. Mark sauntered out of the bathroom and sat himself at Paul's massage chair (Oh! Right! Paul brought his massage chair.), to which act I quickly piped up: "I'M NEXT!!!"
Nicely for me, Paul gave Mark about a 2 minute massage before beckoning me over to the chair. I stripped my top for the second time that night (first time was in encouragement and support of Lily), and commenced a beautiful 20 minute massage. All the while hearing things that girls love to hear:
"You do realize I'm trying to seduce you, right?" He'd moved onto my hands so that he could face me.
"Of course I do, and I appreciate every minute of it."
"So, you gonna stay? Are we gonna hit it?"
"Nope! I already told you, I have to get my car back."
"You heard me talking about eating a girl out. You know I'd do that for you, right? I'd have you orgasm multiple times before we even got started."
Ahem. "I heard you. It sounds lovely, but I still can't."
Finally, I guess he decided he wanted some consolation prize. To which he asked my least favorite euphemistic question of all time: "Will you kiss it?"
"Your face? Of course!"
Up next... The Rest of the Motley Crew